Family Kes

I expected to grieve intensely, but I actually feel that we are forever connected. That feeling gives me lot’s of peace.

Quality time

A few months ago I lost my mother. Much too young, she was only 63 years old. On Monday we were still running together. On Thursday she texted that she was not going because she had pain in her stomach. On Friday she went to the doctor and went to the hospital and it turned out that she was full of tumors. We knew right away that she only had a few months left. That was really a shock. We were very close. After this report we have been through a lot together. Lots of hospital visits, fun and less fun conversations and just quality time together. Maybe because I knew it was finite, I enjoyed this time together even more. Even though it was a terrible time, because it was very painful for me to be led and see her in pain. But even better with what I was able to do for her, such as massaging her back and painting her toenails.

Farewell

Farewell was of course inevitable. And I was actually just happy for her, finally no more pain. Because of her positivity I have always remained positive. After her death I didn’t really have a hard time, perhaps because I had lived towards it, unconsciously. It wasn’t until two months later that I was just exhausted, so intensely tired. Of course, so much had happened and after her death I had to arrange so much. The book Learn to Die has made me look at death so differently, so that I now not only feel loss, but that I am very happy with what we did have and that we will be connected forever. Of course I am not at all happy that she has died, I would have preferred to have her with me for many more years, but somehow I can just be happy with our memories.