I was in a relationship with physical, and mainly mental, violence. At the beginning of 2006 I fled and was free again.
Writing assignment #44
It creeps in
Everyone always thinks: I will never end up in such a situation. But the funny thing is that we don’t realize it at all at first. It slowly changes and creeps in. I also always thought that I would never let anyone hit me. Well, of course I didn’t, because I didn’t want to be hit. Especially in the beginning I certainly fought back, but then things only got more out of hand. It was easier to ensure that it wouldn’t get to that point, but then you have to walk on eggshells. And so I did. Sometimes I wish he would just punch me instead of saying all those mean things. I felt it was very difficult to get out, because question one was of course: do I really want to get out? Because I had all kinds of reasons why I didn’t want to leave or couldn’t leave. The rental house was in my name, he still owed me a lot. But at some point it’s just enough.
Enough is enough
And one Sunday morning he went to get the newspaper from the kiosk and I grabbed a weekend bag with some things and then I ran off. Instead of breaking up with me, I just left, because talking wasn’t an option anyway. The hint was of course very clear. Well, there I was with my weekend bag and I got on the train. I walked around aimlessly for a while at Amsterdam Central Station. Thinking, thinking and finally got on the bus to my mother’s house. I found it difficult because I knew I would never get my money back and I had also left all my things behind. At one point he showed up at my work door and demanded the house key. Which of course I wasn’t going to hand over, because the deposit was also mine. He then emptied two boxes containing some of my things on the street. I was terribly ashamed of my colleagues. But I stood my ground and didn’t hand over the key. I cleaned up all the stuff myself and that afternoon a super sweet colleague took me home in the truck. From the moment I lived with my mother again, I didn’t shed a tear, I had already shed enough.